“When we feel fragile, we’re like raw eggs—we crack open and splatter if dropped. But when we develop more resilience, we’re like hard-boiled eggs—we might get dinged up if dropped, but we won’t crack completely and spill all over the place.”
― Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed
During my 1-on-1 with Lily from HR today, we discussed the great success of the company's recent new format brainstorming session. I suggested that we should do more of it. Lily said that we didn't do much of it in the past because most of us partners have a strong engineering background and are practical-minded. It seemed like the company has always been reluctant to engage in what might be seen as "frivolous activities." In the past, I indeed feared formalism, but recently, I suddenly realized an issue: actually, the company's management can be quite flexible. If this format works well, we should do more of it and iterate several times; if we gradually find that it takes up too much time, we can slowly adjust it back.
Management is never black or white.
Extending from company management to interpersonal dealings, it’s the same. When young, we tend to think about problems in extreme ways — when happy, we feel the world is colorful; when encountering difficulties, we feel the sky is gray. Essentially, it's because dividing the world into black and white is the simplest strategy, while recognizing that the world consists of varying degrees of gray is difficult. So, a little bit of bad can ruin the whole good without leaving room for mixing.
The topic above is what I've been discussing with my psychotherapist recently. It's about the elasticity of being human.
We often misjudge the setbacks in reality. We may downplay them, putting ourselves in dangerous situations; or exaggerate them, thinking bad things are catastrophic and destructive. Only by continuously adjusting based on real-world feedback and making ourselves less tense can we gradually learn to adapt to this imperfect world. We will also relax and not always be on edge waiting to respond to something. Our sense of security becomes stronger, and we gain the ability to cope with changes in the outside world.
My two recent changes:
In the past, when others were kind to me, I would get very nervous, fearing I couldn’t reciprocate, feeling unworthy. Now, I also gradually enjoy other people's kindness because love itself includes giving, and giving can be mutual.
The second change is a more positive understanding of setbacks and mistakes. Reviewing isn't about imprisoning us in the past, but about embracing a better future.
These are all signs of greater psychological maturity, flexibility, and adaptability.
A child's world is binary and adversarial; early-stage religions and myths of humanity were monotheistic and inflexible. Only mature personalities and mature cultures teach us tolerance. There are more diverse answers to what kind of life is meaningful and what things are valuable.
Life is never a simple choice between two options, right or wrong; it's neither forever nor never.